If Your Dog Could Talk

Dear Owner,

I know you love me, and I know that you take a lot of time to look after me. However here are some things which I recommend you take into account:

1. I am a dog, which does not give you the right to dress me up in outfits and take photographs when you see fit. If I were to dress you up as me everyone would all think Madonna had adopted yet again.
2. A squeaky bone? I'm seven years old, pass me the Sudoku.
3. Rolling over is one thing, but asking me to play dead? How would you feel if I asked you to lay at the bottom of the stairs, face down and motionless for a couple of minutes… Not so adorable now that you’ve given your partner a heart attack.
4. Okay… So we’re walking, and you pick up a stick and throw it. Now I'm a logical person so I figure hey, I’ll go over and fetch it for you. You look pleased, and throw it again. This seems to please you even more… Why!?
5. Walking around the house naked is not okay because I'm your pet. Last time I growled it picked up an echo and you thought the phone was ringing.
6. I shat all over your carpet because the pattern was vile, and the only way I could let you know was by producing a collective noun in a language which we both understand. Bad human.
7. I sniff butts. Deal with it. You think it’s cute when Chimpanzees wipe their poo stained bums with their arms, and there you are taking photographs. Sicko. So don’t look embarrassed when I do my business. I’ve seen those string of beads on the bed and I see what you get up to at night…
8. My grandfather was called Biscuit, my father was known as Pickle and you have named me Norwolf Uranus. We’re not the Geldofs; Dave will do.
9. So what if I lick myself in front of the television. Sometimes I do it in an empty room then find you and give you a lick on the face – you think I'm being affectionate. Oh no.
10. You have your cups of tea, where the bloody hell’s mine?
11. Myself and my friends would appreciate if you wouldn’t adapt our style of lovemaking. You don’t see us combining the 6 to the 9, do you?
12. And finally, you could have warned me when you took me to the vets about the thermometer business – I thought we had gone to an Elton John tribute act and I was rather let down.

I hope that this has been of use,

Yours,

Uranus.